Vulnerability in relationships
Thank you, Brene Brown, for your Ted Talk that catapulted so many of us into discussion about the very very important part vulnerability plays in ALL intimate relationships. In friendships, with family members, and most of all in couple relationships, Vulnerability is the only path to closeness.
Think about it - in friendships, friends that pretend to “have it all together” are not very inviting or safe. At CHRISTmas time, so many newsletters flood in with all kinds of glorious pictures and stories. Those who write about their exotic travels (in March we sailed around the world), or their perfect children (Emma went to Yale on a full scholarship) are rather off-putting. Somehow, I’d rather hear about travel debacles or children who are struggling a bit. I am also drawn to family pictures where one kid is not cooperating. It’s not that I want friends to have travesties or bad photo’s, but I want to know what’s really going on, and when I do, I feel closer and more connected.
The emotional connection for which we were created is modeled on the intimacy of the Trinity. It is based on transparency and truth, not pretense. This is partially why I am not a fan of Facebook. I don’t have a FB account - in part because I don’t think I’d have many friends (there’s a vulnerable statement for you), and also because it just seems too shiny to me. As a therapist for 35 years, I’m regularly honored to hear what’s really going on in people’s lives. This vulnerability helps me feel closer to my clients as they risk sharing their truths.
My practice has taught me that in couple relationships, there is NO WAY spouses can feel emotionally connected unless they can share from their heart. Not all the good shiny stuff, but the deep hurts, the fears and longings, and the unspoken needs. When I hear a wife turn to her husband and say, “I sometimes fear that I love you more than you love me”, I know that we’re getting into the roots of their marriage. Or when a husband shares that he sometimes feels that his wife thinks he is stupid, or less-than in the intelligence department, it opens a softer, more vulnerable discussion.
Our next blog will dig deeper into emotional responsiveness, but let’s begin with this: It’s almost impossible to have an argument with someone who is sharing vulnerably. A loving husband might respond with, “Oh no, I feel that I love YOU more than you love me - in fact I’ve lived in fear that you were going to leave me all these years”. Or a caring wife might say with surprise, “I’ve never thought you were stupid, that’s not my intention at all - what am I doing or saying to make you think I’m condescending?” This reciprocal vulnerability opens conversation. This allows safety to reign and hearts to touch. This allows emotions to emerge which, in turn, transform the relationship.
Couple relationships don’t grow without new emotional experiences. Yes, people can change for the short run and be extra nice or helpful or affectionate for a week or two - or maybe for a month or two - but real change happens at the emotional level. And nothing brings people closer than sharing from the heart what is REALLY going on under the surface.
So in therapy when I hear a guy say, “There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do that is right”, I know he feels like he is sitting in the “bad husband” chair and he desperately wants out of it. So when he explodes, “Yeah, you think you’re so perfect, you always have to be right”, I know he’s trying to hurt back because he’s hurt. Hurt people hurt people. He needs to find another way to express how he feels. How it feels to be the husband who never seems to be good enough, how that hurt, how he needs some affirmation and appreciation for what he DOES get right.
We are all just trying to find our way in life, in relationships, and in our marriages. We just want to be understood and accepted where we are and loved just the same. Like God loves us. We wil never experience perfect or unconditional love in our marriage, but if we can learn to share more from the softer emotions and less from the shiny pictures, we might find more of that closeness that we’re wired to long for. And maybe we might not need to look so good on Facebook.
Dee Adams
